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I've seen a few posts asking about what it is like
to be under heavy surveilance. Whether any of this
is will be believed or not is another story.

Truthfully, I need an outlet. Not sure who that is
yet so why not some people who want perspective or
can perhaps relate.

While I'd never call myself an expert in math or
cryptography, I found a lot of peace in creating
cryptography and steganography tools. I would
frequently play with cryptography puzzles and
often (still do) found many things hiding in plain
sight/relatively unexpected places.

There were 3 or 4 of these puzzles I later linked
together and unraveled a two decade old mystery.

Life (in retrospect) got fairly horrible every 
time I would start to reverse or decrypt them
again. Up to and including family, my partners,
the workplace, and sadly to say an EVEN MORE 
invasive way. Yes, I don't mean data of the
digital kind, it has semi-transitioned elsewhere
at this point *cough*.

So, what happened? When? How much has been a lie?

I was groomed by defense/intelligence for the 
better part of my life. Almost 20 years back if
the origins are correct. I was quite naive to
it until the last few years. I always followed
security and privacy, was around for some sketchy
eras of the internet and spent most of my time
alone and coding. If someone told me today don't
roll your own crypto, I would have a very 
different understanding of what they meant. It
is less about a bad implementation and more about
what you will find if it is useful - at least for
me.

I have found things the public is probably
unaware of. I've built things. I was building 
something the last time life got weird. It was
supposed to be a deadman's switch to release 
secrets to trustees from dealer(s) of said secret
using a publicly verifiable secret sharing scheme
where the plan was to use passive-behavioral auth
using standard hardware in a phone for better
privacy than certain biometrics.

At the time I was also expanding on ideas about
distributing a hash amongst extra bits in AI weights
for digests of training data for attribution and a
lot of other things I thought were cool.

Things that have happened:

* Not being told I am working for said entity
* Near death experiences
* Have been taken to jail
* Have been extracted from home under "danger to 
  himself claims"
* Got whatever from (not kidding) felt like a 
  bioweapon while in jail. I had blood/puss areas
  that became so infected it smelled. They stopped
  antibiotics early so it came back and also went
  untreated for the better part of two months.
* Pysochological torture
* Loss of homes
* Loss of friends (in both ways)
* Abuse (in several forms)
* Stalking
* Theft
* Spycraft at work
* Isolation
* Homelessness
* ...

Unspeakable things.

What's baffling to me is that someone curious and
learning with next to no formal education, can
find themselves in such situations while not 
causing harm.

I corresponded with Werner Koch around the time I
had breakins and horrible other personal things
going on. I had no idea who to go to. He had a 
quote from Einstein in his email signature.

"The pioneers of a warless world are the youth 
that refuse military service"

Imagine waking up ~30 and realizing that 2/3 of your
life were carefully orchestrated and manipulated.
It was pretty devastating. The military will take
your biggest vulnerability and beat the shit out of
you with it. Your addiction, women, whatever - 
strategic placement as a carrot on a stick. Either
I was that socially unaware or naive, or 20 years
of that without understanding shows the power of
said force in its ability to shape and enprison your
reality.

What being under heavy surveilance is like is the
part that is difficult to believe. It is like seeing
behind a veil of what is known vs. what exists. You
can trust nobody, you have a tail (in many modes of
transportation - including Lambhorfeeties). It is
an everyday battle with exploits, software security,
hyper awareness of sophisticated spying vectors or
even extreme memory expansion trying to assess and
mitigate risks. To put this as unterrifyingly as
possible, agencies/police aren't the only ones 
doing this.

I live out of a backpack for the most part, have 
found a loophole in the system for a place to sleep
and eat, and spend all day doing security and 
trying to cope with what I have experienced.
Libraries, public outlets and a place to crash have
kept me online so far.

This is no way to live.
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